To be a man after God's own heart.

poor blog.
its been a while now.
but i'm back in action!
which is great, because it means I'm going somewhere with God.


The past 9 months have been pretty much of a blur.
Some memories remain significant, but the rest, pretty much a fuzz.

Have I grown in this 9 months?
I've fought with myself, played tug of war with God, many cries,
then times got busy, I got distracted,
thought it was all okay,
uniwork was going well, thought I figured out who were my friends were,
I thought,
finally,
I'm in control.
Now for a cruise and a snooze.

What a rude shock.
Being comfortable in a couch potato position, switching channels (i.e. watching the world go by and engaging with it once in a while whenever anything interesting comes up), I don't think its God's thumbs up that you're doing well and you're living it right.
I thought I was doing good, having a healthy relationship albeit only on Friday and Sundays,
Bible Study was going well, I've been receiving at church. I must still be under God's favour despite my non-commital relationship with Him the rest of the week innit?

NOT.

Then DREAMS.

ahah! (a series in church)
God's reminding me, of my political aspirations, community work, to be an authority/head figure.
I must still be doing it/walking it right eh?
HAHAHA. Clearly, I was in a state of denial.

Jen, I'm writing this to encourage the future you.
Not to remind you of the past, because God has made 'all things new'
But to warn you of the pitfalls, as the world distracts.

Last night, I realised, my passion, though by the grace of God reignited, I allowed it to be bigger than God.
Even, though still unclear than it may be a God given dream,
I wanted to take it into my own hands, and make things happen in my time, not God's time.
I was taking God's dreams/plans away out of His hands,
and very nearly messing it up.

I wanted to do it, not for His glory, but for mine.
To prove to my friends, 'look at me, I've done well'.

I've done well as a religious person,
I did church, cellgroup, thought and felt that I was above those 'Jews' and hypocritical Pharisees for being involved in a 'relationship' with God,
haha.
but at the end of it all, there really wasn't a relationship.
I prayed good prayers (Came from the heart no less), mentioned a few interesting ideas/facts,
but there really wasn't God.

I've led my cell astray,
Was not the shepherd I was meant to be,
I've got one month to fix it relying on God's wisdom and strength,
and it will happen.
Thank God for Your grace, though through my human strength I faltered, you kept my cell upright.
The young uns are leading the cell!Praise the Lord!

And I realised I've backed myself into a corner these days,
Reluctant to read the word of God,
Afraid to be confronted with God's commanding authority.
Even now, I'm holding back from grasping the book of Acts completely.
Paul's journey has been very confronting.
And I'm afraid, of letting go, of surrendering completely, to give in to God's will.

But I'm aware I desperately need to, to find that freedom and the release.

Part 2


Drink.Drank.Drunk.

Slowly, I'm allowing myself to be consumed/swallowed by the world.
Sure I may have noble thoughts i.e. helping the poor, ensuring justice,
and I thought hey, I can't be doing too bad, if I'm rejecting materialism, and at least I'm not staggering onto the streets from a nightclub right?

But in many areas, I've allowed compromise.
I've told one too many white lies this week,
whatever happened to the old me, who said it like it is, crap results, scratched car,
Now, I nod my head in disapproval, coverups,
I feel filthy inside.
What I have allowed to become a norm these days, will only corrupt further.
Its like a flesh eating bacteria, spreading, and before you know, you've wasted your years/life away for being stubborn and not listening to the doctor.
I've become somewhat reliant on alcohol + various external factors to be happy, to 'let loose',
I've forgotten how to be myself/to be happy, without being under the influence.

I've allowed the world to get into me,
I used to think O**ers/church go-ers are so stuffy, they need to let loose once in a while, so I did, but thankfully I have not gone overboard.
I've started whispering vulgarities, being more world-like to be more 'relevant' I insisted.

The problem:
Who do I worship?
Men or God?
God doesn't want to be go crazy, sure I haven't gotten drunk, only tipsy at the very maximum,
but Jesus didn't drink till he lost his mind? Sure it was fun, but what kind of other 'fun' did it lead to?
Unhealthy speak.

No Jen, No more.

You don't need a drink to let loose,
Find your confidence in Christ.

It may seem very far-fetched right now, but walking in the footsteps of the world,
desensitizing yourself at this very crucial foundation building stage 1 with God,
you are only setting yourself up for failure with God.

Like Paul, be courageous, and don't be swayed!
Because after all the world is watching.
Though they may not seem like they care,
but religion is an integral part of every individual's lives.
They have a stand for or against it.

Again, you/everyone may be a witness.
But have you been a good or a bad witness?
You have to be actively work on being a good witness.

Please God, help.