i am most happy.

when i'm myself.

no holds barred when i'm speaking to fatty.
nothing i need to conceal.

she knows me inside out.
i don't feel the need to impress.

thank God for friends like her.

actually, i feel like that with friends from back home.

there's no need to pretend,
to blend in,
no need to spit out random information,
no need to crack my head, to keep the conversation going.
cause silences are welcomed.
cause silences are comfortable.

who i am here in Melbourne?
sure, i've grown in faith,
but in personality?
it feels like i've lost.

whilst trying to figure out who i am,
i seek solace in art,
in music,
trying/wanting to be everyone's friend.

listening to music i don't really like,
hanging out where everyone else hangs out because its cool.

God, please don't let me lose myself again.

and I pray that in You I am found.

i don't know what i want.

i thought i knew what i want.
but that was last week.

then today, i changed my mind, yet again.

i know this is not the time,
but i really am getting impatient.
ahah.
i'm being ridiculous.
i'm hoping that by throwing a tantrum,
prince charming will show up at my doorstep.

hmm.

i told myself that i wasn't going to settle for less.
if i do fall in love, i want to fall in love the right way,
okay so that may be really hard.
but i guess if the person is really the one,
God will make me go weak in the knees.

last week,
i was head over heels this particular n.
it certainly helped that he played the electric and bass.

and know that i know he doesn't really enjoy his music,
except well maybe for a few bands here and there from the 90s.

i think i want someone who's politically aware/sensitive, and wanting to do something about it,
who's inclined to reading,
who's inclined to taking long strolls in the park,
dead in the middle of the night,
ahaha,
who's a little fun loving,
who really enjoys music,
and wouldn't mind hanging out at jazz bars,
wasting the night away.
literally.
hahaha.

am i being being too much of an idealist?

maybe i should place an ad in the yellow pages you think?

before my memory fails me.

on wednesday, i spent a good 3 hours with N*
it was good in some ways, and absolutely horrendous in others.

haha, if anyone, he is to be blamed if i do choose the path of 'enemies, frustration, frugality'
its good to know that there are people around me who are as passionate as i am to return to homeland, to make a change, to fight for those who do not have a voice, to 'right what is wrong'.

the 3 hours spent together inspired me to do something about my dream, the 'burden' i carry for injustice.
discussing politics, discussing finding our footing in life,
we bonded.

i've had enough of my 'all talk, no do' attitude,
and i intend to do something about it.

and yesterday, he offered to hook me up with a friend who is with mpcc.

sigh..

and on saturday, i told someone off for littering.
and i've been telling others my story since,
in hopes to inspire others.

its been a while since I prayed.
and today I did.
and I finally did my qt.

i came to the realisation, minutes ago, that the past few days I may have been 'self-righteous'
after the incident on Saturday, I volunteered at the marathon,

'doing good',and telling others about it,
it made me feel proud, high and mighty,
urgh.
VERY BAD.

so today, i read my utmost,
ohmygosh, the story sounds familiar

Moses saw the oppression of his people and felt certain that he was the one to deliver them, and in the righteous indignation of his own spirit he started to right their wrongs...

In the beginning Moses had realized that was the one to deliver the people, but he had to be trained and disciplined by God first. He was right in his individual perspective, but he was not the person for the work until he had learned true

fellowship and oneness with God

sigh the past few days, i've not prayed proper,

i've not seeked real intimacy with God,

running on my own strength,

not realising and asking where His heart, and place is for me.

Thinking what I was doing was noble,

instead, I might have been running around in circles, instead of in the direction of the finish line.

I need to pray, seek and ask,

His plans for me.

To God be the glory and honour, Amen.

oh, and now i've got some sort of ginormous crush on N.

sigh, i need to sort my feelings out.

msn exploits.

uhoh.

its happening again.

3 times in a day?
haha.
mygosh God,
not again.

guard our hearts please.

Amen.