the day we bade farewell.

today's the day I mourn my uncle's loss.

I tear, I cry for those around me.
For my grandma, who lost a son.
For his family, who's lost a father, a husband.
For my dad,my uncle's and aunt who lost a dear brother.

I'm sorry I never got to know him better.
I do not pride in not shedding many tears,
in fact, its a feeling of regret, a feeling which I want to wish away.

Every experience, one such like this, is something I pray that I'll have something to take away from.

Today, I know and am comforted by our Heavenly Father's words, which have never seem any more real than this.

Yesterday, I am reminded, not to take any of my family members for granted.

Those words, from a child of 14, so young, so naive, so pure,

'I'm happy you have a papa.'

Lord, I pray for grace upon this family, that your love will fill that emptiness in their hearts.

Though nothing will ever take that place in their hearts, the ones filled with memories of Ching pak, Lord, heal their hearts, and Lord, let them know that he's indeed in a better place.

Lord, I pray for strength for all.

I will remember that toothless grin,those times where you'll be one of the lasts at the dining table accompanying my kuche having your new year's eve dinner, the numerous stories/memories that has been shared with me, the times where you'll have lunch with her, where you'll walk with her around carrefour, where you'll take her shopping, where you promised her a phone if you were able, where you'll take her around jusco trying all that is there.

You will be sorely missed.

But I know that you are in safe hands, and God will keep your family here.

Rest in peace.

Raising the white flag.

Oh, take my love, take it down

Climb a mountain and turn around

And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills

Well, the landslide will bring it down

Landslide, Stacey Kent

Letting go is easier said than done.

Nothing ever happened, and maybe, nothing ever will.

Not allowing my heart to lead my head on.

Like a scene from the Wizard of Oz.

There's no place like 'home'.

Running away seems to be the only option right now.

your secret vice?

the person whom you do not speak of.

the person whom you refer to as the 'friend' over the phone.

the mutual understanding which we seem to have. over us being each other's secret vices.

for some reason, it feels as if I'm more of his than he is of mine.

~~~

The more I think about it, the more I get this gut sinking feeling.

On the bright side, I'm glad I'll be back in Melbourne in a month's time.

But then again, I'm afraid of what may be that nagging/persistent question.

What could have been?

~~~

I hate regrets.

A life of regrets is not a life which I want to live.

~~~

Then again, what will we not only I, get out from my 'confession'.

A friendship lost?

A friend in waiting?

or more than that?

~~~

Two years is a long time.

family.

spent a whole hour with my grandmum.

the one who took care of me. the one who watch me grew. vertically and sideways.
it was a good chat, what with my uncle in hospital, sick with cancer.

we spoke about death.
how she wished the Lord would take her away.
I tried my best to rebuke those thoughts of course, though I'm sure I didn't sound very convincing.

I told her not to 'fong hei'. Not to give in, not to give up.
I told her, though she may be old at age, hard at hearing, difficulty in seeing, but certainly not at all hopeless at helping,

pray on, I said.

at this very moment Lord, we surrender to you.
Lord, we are indeed helpless,
Lord I know, that every word that we utter, You listen, You hear.

~~~~

Even as I go through difficult times such as these, its tempting to want to give in, to be the one who cracks under the pressure. The one who is offered a helping hand, instead of dispensing that helping hand.

But I know I can't. The family needs to be surrounded by those who will encourage them, not by those who see the worse in every situation, and has lost all sense of hope.

I pray that I will be one of them.

~~~

To hear my mama say she prays for me every morning, no words can describe that feeling.
Lord, I'm very blessed to have such a great grandmum,
Lord, I can never say enough to thank You.

To know that she thinks of me each day, is indeed wonderful feeling.
To find out that she prays for me as I study, as I work,
Lord, I don't want to dissapoint her.

~~~

Father, the pressure is great on me.

Lord, I pray for strength to bless my Mama, to love her, to acknowledge what she's done for me.

Lord, its going to be hard, as I leave for Melbourne once more.
As I leave my family behind,
As I fear the things that may occur through the year that I am away.

But Lord, I know that You will watch over my family as I am away. Like how you did through 2007.
Lord, every night as I tried to say my prayers before I went bed, indeed You listened.
Those prayers to see my mama healthy and alive, Lord, they were answered.

Lord, I can never thank You enough.

From the bottom of my heart I pray, Thank You.
Amen.

The words left unspoken.

All I got was a smack on the hand, and that silly grin.

Will anything ever happen between us?

I've fallen so hard for him.Its no ordinary crush.
Maybe he doesn't feel the same way.
Will I ever know?Will I ever find out?

All I want to do is to runaway.
All I want to do is reduce him to a memory.
All I want to do is to move on with life.

All I want to do is to run away. Back to where I don't belong.
Melbourne.

...............................................

And I didn't understand,

When you reached out and take my hand,

And if you have something to say,

You'd better say it now.

-Say It to Me Now, Glen Hansard-