foot in mouth.

its 4.45 in the evening.

another hour before I have to leave for o**
not reluctantly though.

being someone in such a 'leadership' position,
I know I shouldn't be feeling as such.
I find it so hard to be excited.
I do wonder how people remain in ministry for so long.

hahah.
but God convicted me I guess.

i need to be more creative with my words.

Today whilst reading my utmost,
I struggled to understand what was today's devotion.

Woh, I really must stop taking such convictions so ligthly.
I just realised how much today's 'devotion' speaks to my situation right now.
'Devotion' and not devotion because it felt rushed.
errhuh* nervous laughter here.

but back to today's my utmost,

'No amount of enthusiasm will ever stand up to the strain that Jesus Christ will put upon His servant. Only one thing will bear the strain, and that is a personal relationship with Jesus Christ Himself...' - 'Oswald Chambers, 25th September'

yes, even as I struggle to hype myself up for tonight,

Listening to loud hillsongs music,

Singing at the top of my lungs at o** later,

that enthusiasm I know will only be temporary.

and that is because I lack that relationship.

how many times have you done your qt this week j*?

have you been preparing your heart the entire week?

or are you only doing it now.

sigh,

God help.

I struggle with this week after week.

Why don't I ever put this into action.

sighsighsigh.

haiyo, today's bible study is heavy stuff as well.

God, help.

hee.

mixed signals.

haha.
boy troubles loom again.
my mind's away with a certain someone down south, then it goes back to the other one further up north, and then tonight, as we spoke at the tram stop, and as we walked by lincoln square, and as he told me, how he no longer wanted to be in a relationship.
sigh.

i knwo regardless this is not the time.
but i can't help but to think,
could any of these be the one?

bible study was awesome possum.
freaked me out a little with the Second coming though.
about judgment.
i guess the message brought across wasn't what i had in mind initially.
and remember how i was screwing myself, upside down inside out because I wasn't prepared at all today morning?

God's grace truly.
I really didnt' want to dissapoint them,
and my God's compassion,
and really His mercies are new every morning,
cause I tell myself to stop with these last minute preps,
but I never do.
haha.
something i'm not proud of surely.

then there was a call made my mel to pray for our family, and friends.
what we needed really.
and somehow it felt like God was realigning our cell once more.
like how from our previous cell report,
where we wrote that we needed to get out of comfort zones,
and we need to reaching out,
and we asked for practical ways to start.

man, God answers prayers.
or rather I guess the comm has been keeping us in prayer.
or A*
cause it slipped my mind again.

lteecee's tomorrow morning.
I need to prepare my heart.
Rather than merely going to help as kitchen hand,
there's ministry time later at night as well,
I pray for clean hands, and a pure heart to serve.

Good night world.

a max of 18.

the day has been somewhat beautiful.

went to bed at 3, stirred at 9.
worked on macro assignment,
slept in till about 1.
worked on macro assignment whilst getting my heart torn into pieces.
what i originally brushed off as a stupid show,
c'mon talking cats and dogs?
man, how original can these tvb get?
haha.
but it sure did tug at my heart strings beginning episode 15.
i'm such a sucker for all things romantic.

i'm one of those who loves flowers, who may be so smittened with you, i'll fall for anything regardless of originality.

then it was Bhouston!
mygosh.
i was so afraid that it was going to be a scam of sorts, (after that incident, i was left scarred.a little.hurhur)
the hype, the energy, the lifting of hands.

had to constantly remind myself its about God and myself,
and I was in no position to judge.
DUH.

it was so hard to worship initially,
what with my thoughts drifting to others,
stupid me!
i know!

but during one of the songs, after the russell's prayed,
and after i felt a tad bit uncomfrtable,
and after how he spoke about positioning your heart,
(i must remember!),
I really felt God around me.
believe it or not.
its an undescribable feeling.
i'm pretty sure i wasn't trying to be emotional,
i am certain that i wasn't playing things up either,
i was learning to say no to blind faith!

AMEN!
i'm certainly learning lots this year, spiritual wise.
and, he spoke.

very frank, no air,
spoke on Joshua 1.
how though God promised joshua territory,
it wasn't going to come easy, what with having to take the territory from *Ahem.
'BE STRONG AND COURAGEOUS' was emphasised thrice in the passage.

later he concluded on how to claim your territory.

1) HUMILITY
2) HONESTY!what i thought spoke to me most, seeing how tempted i am to be unethical. hurhur.GUILTY!
3) HOLY SPIRIT
-there's no way Joshua could have defeated 31 kings without having God's grace and strength.

it reminded me of the battles i have to fight.
i don't think i'm fully grasping God's plans for me because I'm afraid of the obstacles that I may have to overcome.
BUT I HAVE TO REMEMBER HIS PROMISES!

J REMEMBER J, REMEMBER!

what am i?

it has been difficult of late.
maybe its the hormones, or maybe it really is a time to sit and reflect once more.

a lot to write.
a lot of emotions involved.
a lot of false joy,
not short of emotional pits surely.

sighums.

oh well, I guess I learned a lot in that sense.

The entire Thursday, I was strutting my stuff down the street of M and in uni.
What with Tpain blasting,
it was hip-hop rnb all the way.
their attitude sure rubbed of me.

but it affected me heck lots.
my confidence level.
i realised, and i questioned myself one too many times, and passed one too many critical judgements on others as well.
and as God said, as you judge, so will you be judge.
hurhur.
rung true that day.

as i was being critical of others, I felt myself being put down as well,
I felt myself staring at the mirror, making sure, every strand of hair was in place,
and i was walking around with a cool to for you attitude,
and that made me feel absolutely horrible/guilty for the rest of the day,
as much as i tried shaking it off, I couldn't.

so that was a sucky thursday,
but i understood what it meant to find confidence in God, and not in yourself.

and i really need to stop judging.
God help!

anddddd,
sigh,
things feel different between mh and i.
maybe its me being sleepy,
but I feel i don't know him already.

i shan't dwell on it, but i do wish him all the best in all his undertakings.

andddd,
my other problem,
i don't know how to deal with others who 'different'.
i'm really bad at it,
i'm not very good at accepting individuals for their individuality.
it all boils down to the judgement thing again.

God help!

just be yourself.

But the first thing that will hinder this joy is the subtle irritability caused by giving too much thought to our circumstances. Jesus said, ". . . the cares of this world, . . . choke the word, and it becomes unfruitful" ( Mark 4:19 ).

my utmost for His Highest, august 31, 2008

You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor’s" (Exodus 20:17).
"You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife; and you shall not desire your neighbor’s house, his field, his male servant, his female servant, his ox, his donkey, or anything that is your neighbor’s" (Deuteronomy 5:21).

How the pursuit of happiness can lead to sin.

http://www.rbc.org/radio-tv/discover-the-word/2005/01/18/program.aspx

~~~

God does work in mysterious ways.

I misplaced Daily Bread, so I had to turn to my utmost for His Highest.

I thought to myself, 'no way, am I going to learn anything tonight'. no offense, but that's what I thought originally.

but God obviously had other plans.

I've been struggling a lot this year lately.

Constantly wanting to outdo my friends, or at least seemingly chasing what their 'hearts' were set after.

ie, internships with investment banks. bla.

and wanting to beat myself up after if and when they got a positive reply, instead of being happy for them.

but honestly, it wasn't what I wanted to do.

and talking to bs the other day, and last night's message.

it came together.

i need to stop comparing myself to others.

instead of trying to outdo my friends all the time,

i should always be attempting to outperform my personal best.

God's grace truly.