i want to.

hate him.



Then I realised, it'll be very childish of me.



His songs on my Ipod, his movies playing on my screen.



Help me forget.



Amen.

love.

Love vs. Lust

Many a times, I've place myself in a compromising position.
Many a times, have I thought, 'hey, maybe he could be the one'.

This crush, the many false hopes that I may have given myself has thought me something.

It was difficult for sure, but I thank God I survived this freefall and got up limping, but with a lesson learned!

as inappropriate as this may sound coming from me,
For once, or maybe this is the second time,
* was someone whom I wanted to be with, not because I needed that physical touch from the opposite sex (tsktsk!i'm reallyreally sorry, but I am only human!) but I really fell for * because I felt we had so much in common. I thought we had really great conversations together, and there were those comfortable silences between us both.

I guess that really was a form of love, rather than lust.

But I suppose * could only see us as friends.

Hey, I don't blame *. Things like these happen all the time.

So I came out from this wreckage, and now am able to distinguish between the two l's.

very good! : )
~~~

Another thing,

I hate myself for pretending to be someone else to impress the other.

Pretending to like the same music, the same movies, the same bla.

How I acted annoys the 'now more sane me' to the core.

Reminder to self: Don't be stupid, just be yourself.

I've really got to learn this being comfortable in your own skin thing.
~~~

Lord, I'm sorry for many a times, I did not seek You first.
Sorry for the times, where I ignored Your voice,
For putting others and my own interests before You.
Thank You for being so patient with me.
For loving me regardless.

Amen.

~~~

A brand new day to a brand new me?

Edify others. Whether in good times, or in bad. Whether as friends, or 'more than that'.

real life.

Learning to breathe

I'm learning to crawl

I'm finding that You and You alone can break my fall

I'm living again, awake and alive

I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies

Hello, good morning, how you been?

Yesterday left my head kicked in

I never, never thought that I would fall like that

Never knew that I could hurt this bad

Learning to Breathe, Switchfoot

Nothing materialised. suprise suprise!

It felt as if * was doing me a favour.

After many calls/ texts for a movie 'date', * replied.

Not out of desperation, rather it was a wanting to watch EP with the sister.

So of course, I had to ask for the second time whether * was really up for the movie.

'Definitely'.

So I said, let me know when.

On v-day, * texted to ask whether I wanted to watch Steve.

'Yeayea, sure' I said.

So it happened. * picked me up. Watched the movie. Without a word, dropped me home right after.

what the heck?

No, I wasn't wishing that we'll start making out in the back seat, or anything as gross as that,

But I thought maybe we could have at chilled and talked a bit more?

A case of my heart leading my head on.

I've never felt so stupid in my life.

And I never want to feel that way again.

~~~

So I told Cheh, that 'hey, at least there's more or less closure to this friendship'. At least I'm not left wanting/wishing/waiting/hoping.

I told I was so completely OVER *

~~~

But noooo, I was so WRONG.

I went to youf thinking it'll be a good time to say my goodbyes,

but i froze. i completely froze.

I was incapable of making small talk, lest decent conversations with the people there.

I ignored * completely.

I made a fool out of myself?

~~~

I hate falling in and out of 'love' this easily.

I hate these crushes. Those thoughts where I made myself believe that I made a 'connection' with that someone.

It happened once, and then again in the span of 6 months.

I've had enough.

~~~

How I wish I can point out all of *'s flaws.

How I wish * would do something for me to despise *.

But I've realised that'll be very immature of me.

*'s really a very nice person.

For someone to agree to watch a movie with me, knowing that I'll be leaving, and perhaps knowing I've got the hugest crush ever on him,

He is.

Hopefully * will find that someone.

and hopefully I will too.

~~~

I want that peace, knowing that us really wasn't meant to be.

and I don't want that to happen, only when * finds that someone.

I want it right now.

~~~

Friends,

it what we shall be.

sick in the stomach.

this whole love but not being loved back thing sucks.

its like playing squash.

funny huh?
~~~

I need to get over *.

My very first attempt failed.

~~~

So tempted to spite him.
I wish * had a girlfriend,
Then at least I know when all hope is gone.

Now, that's closure for me.

l.o.v.e.

I woke up with this warm fuzzy feeling inside of me.

I had a dream, one which 'blew my mind' away when I came to my senses.

A dream which drove me to church today.
And no, it wasn't a vision of rapture or anything of that sort.

As obsessive, stalker in the making as this sounds, I did have a dream of * last night.
As far as I can recall, it was a dream where I made the first move,where I took the initiative to write that letter, and in return, he responded. The last I can make out of it, we ended up 'chilling' in his car.

And let's just say, for all the very wrong reasons, it got me up and wanting to go to church today.

~~~

And I thank God, (I do hope its some sort of motivation from God to go to church today), for it.

I am so glad I did not give today's service a miss today. I am so glad that I went although I did whine a lot about my dad coming home late from wherever he was, and I was very tempted not to go.

Really, Thank God I went.

~~~

It was a very simple message, from a very simple man.
No airs about him, no from of pretenciousness, he kept it very real.

He spoke about the greatest commandment of all. Matthew 22:37-40

' Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind....'Love your neighbour as yourself.'

He linked it to the Great Commission, Matthew 28:19-20

'Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit.....'

I don't mean to sound preachy, and I do hope you don't get the feeling that I'm imposing my views on anyone out here in cyberspace,
But one thing I've discovered or was reminded of today that why I'm a Christian and do not belong to some other religion, is because of the relationship that we can have with Him. God is not some mystical being whom we only worship from afar, who only expects us to follow His teaching blindly, He gave us that freedom to come to Him, to talk to Him, to have a personal relationship with Him, and that is why, I am a Christian.

Out with the formalities and going to church/praying for the sake of doing it, and in with that friendship, kinship that we can have with the King of Kings.

~~~

Another point to ponder,

I've been very tempted the past few weeks that I've been back, to fall into the 'worldly traps'.
One where people drink to forget their worries, one where people sleep around to find that 'satisfaction'.
and by God's saving grace and family upbringing, I did not.

I've had a few tough weeks here. My share of ups and downs. The worse I guess was wanting that someone to like me back.

I wish I could say right now, that I've been so foolish to succumb so easily.

~~~

What put everything back in perspective again, was today's message.

Do I want people to be saying ' Do I want to be spending eternity with her?'
If I did fall into these traps, what would make people choose Christianity over the other religions?
It makes me no different from the rest.

And no, I'm not trying to be 'holier' than thou, I just want to be different, for the world to know that you can cast your cares/worries to God.

~~~

Being a Christian is certainly not a breeze, but its a journey.

A journey of understanding that love. Agape love.