wordy.

okay, so i thought i was going to be here for long, in my chair, writing a really long detailed post on how my afternoon went.
well, its not because i did not have a great afternoon,
i've kinda lost the mood to sit and write,
all i feel like doing is to crawl in my bed,
and not leave till dinner time.
and to come to think of it, i was so pumped up earlier about going to the gym, to the run off the muffin, and the smartie cookie.

as i struggle to write this, i know this is something i've got to keep a record of,
the feelings that i felt as i returned from lunch with jmah.

it was a sudden realisation that i had a lot of support,
so what if yesterday's barbeque didn't sit to well with me,
so what if I felt no personal connection with those who were there,

but I know there are lots out there who actually care about me.
okay, so i'm not ranting, and i'm not like 'oh, i hate the whole world', but yesterday night felt kind of lonely.

i think i'm better with more intimate/personal settings,
unless i'm in the whole hyped up, crazy, chatty mood, and then everything seems to fall into place.
hohumm.

but yes, back to lunch,
it felt like it was going nowhere initially (i have to admit, my thoughts drifted away for a while back there)
but even though we did not have much in common,
i believe it was a time of getting to know a person,
and it was a special feeling.
no eee, not that kind of attraction,
but just a good feeling.
a feeling of 'i want to be friends with you for life, and watch you grow, and build your own family kind of feeling)

so it was good : )
it went somewhere the lunch.
and i got to know jmah a little better,
hopefully that will help me in my quest of praying for an individual better on a personal level.
andandand

the other day, it 'dawned' upon me.
the frustrations i've had with the opposite sex,
okay, so nothing may have materialised from my time together with these potentials,

but I think its God's way of preparing me for the one.
hahaha.
no really.

I think i understand the male species a little better now.
and what I want, and what to look for.

God you are indeed funny,
and indeed you work in mysterious ways.

hohumm.

okay, so our conversations are getting a little weird.

so i don't really know whether he just wants to help, or he's interested.

ahahahaha.
its quite a story though.
must save our conversation history if anything happens.

he really is a nice guy.

and we do have lots in common.
or maybe that's on the surface.

he's into coffee.
he's into movies.
let see what else,
he's very up to date with malaysian politics.
a doctor.
hurhurhur.
a good sensible head on his shoulders,
thrifty,
plays either the bass or electric! (musically inclined. what a catch)
good music taste.
doesn't listen to the crap i listen to.
grounded in the Word,
has a servant's heart,

should i be swooonniiingg already?
well, if not for the whole incident back home,
I would have fallen so hard, and would have just given in, or tried my luck too much, too hard, too fast,
taking things slow and easy,
and it really is up to God and him, if anything were to happen.

hmm, I guess that's as interesting as my love life gets.

as of now I guess.
hahaha.

I think he's just being friendly.

but to the point, where he's asking the days of when i'm working,
and to go out for coffee hunting.

hmm, something smells fishy around here.
hahahahahahaha.

i'm sorry.

I'm sorry of how I spoke of O** earlier.

I'm sorry for having such a bleak outlook.

I'm sorry I never got to know JMah better last year.

He's got such an awesome heart.

I'm sorry it had to end so quick.

Now, to get my act together.

LOVE YOU LONG TIME.

hardened.

I don't think I'll ever be able to put this up on my other blog,
not for your eyes anyway.

its funny,
how when I really care for someone,
I never admit so.

Its so easy to tell, hi-bye friends, oh i love you,
but those words never escape from my lips, when it comes to truly cherised ones.

~~~
Just got off the phone with mh.
He's the one whom I can really pour my heart out to.
He's watched me grow/blossom over the past year.

I can't imagine telling all that to ben or any other guy friend whom i consider close.

Thank God for this friendship of ours.

Its always awesome to have a listening ear.
Someone who's older, who's 'been there done that'.

hoohuumm.

Thank God.

questions.

the past months have been mind boggling.

had my share of ups and downs.
well, they're not the typical downs one would associate with.
No, nothing out of the ordinary has happened,
in fact, one may say life has been been pretty much smooth sailing for me.

and for that i'm counting my blessings.

but one thing for sure,
a feeling of emptiness sometimes sweeps over me.

it clouds my judgement,
makes me ungrateful,
and causes me to sit at home and mope around all day.

i crave familiarity.
and sometimes with that familiarity,
i start taking it for granted.

for now,
life seems without meaning.

I know God is here,
I want to live for Him,
but it really is difficult to surrender.
give up things you hold so closely to heart.

i guess i've always been one to follow the crowd.
that makes living for Him more difficult.

God i need assurance from You.
I need confidence from You.

God help me to find that.

Help me to desire more of You.

and to stop being so self-centred.

This semester for me,
has been much of a struggle.

I'm in a divide,
between pursuing my dreams or rather the dreams of others.
God I pray that you'll place a burden in my heart,
to seek after You and Your ways.

For me, its just so easy to be swept away by the intricacies, or rather, the mundane-ness of life,
God I struggle to find that balance.

and QT hasn't been the greatest of times.

I read, I understand,
But there really is no personal conviction .
God, where for art Thou?

God I know You're there,
and I apologise for the many times, when I've been like Samuel,
ignorant to Your voice,
but please, do not turn my heart cold.

I've been reading the books of Samuel, and have now progressed through Kings,
A lot speaks about leadership,

and I am sometimes amazed.
Even today, when Solomon asks for wisdom,
God granted him his prayers,
His prayers weren't self seeking,
Instead of asking for his name to be glorified,
He asked for wisdom to watch over his flock.

That's pretty awesome.

God, I'm sorry for allowing pride get in the way,
For wanting my name to be glorified instead of yours,

I pray for humility.

God more of these mornings of self reflection please.
God, indeed You are awesome.

LOVE.