Breakthrough.

Today at church was something I desperately needed to here.

I arrived at church aloof,
Knowing full well the routine,
I sang the songs, stretched the vocal chords,
Clap along whenever I felt tired or was compelled to put on a display of participation.

Ps Sally's message today was about breakthrough and those who have been left been hungry and waiting for their breakthrough which failed to arrive immediately after the 21 days of prayer and fasting.

My ears immediately perked up, my heart and my mind alert, surprised that my soul was to be fed today.
Timely in fact as I spoke to Nicky who out of the blue messaged me on gtalk yesterday as I confided in him my deepest darkest times.

She spoke from 2 Chronicles 20 today, which was an observation of King Jehosophat's hardships.
Although he was in his promised position, it was not without troubles.

She also emphasised how our doubts/guilt/remorse/shame whether self inflicted or a spiritual attack must be condemned.
She told of her experience of how she had to be counselled by a fellow Christian after succumbing to the negative power of the tongue of a fellow believer.
Which led on to her next point of the power of the tongue.

She also brought across the point of spiritual warfare, how the evil one does not play by the rules of the game, and only has an aim to defeat and to bring a person down, regardless of how long/how hard it takes.

She later follows with an illustration of the sword.
How the many types of swords serves different purposes.
There is that one sword, requiring the hold of two hands, is not used in battle but is used for strength training.
And then there is the other, a 12 inch sword which is used for hand-to-hand fights, a lethal weapon, a double edged Sword.
She used this illustration of the sword to refer to the scripture of 'Armor of God' and the related sword in the following passage.
It was a timely reminder for me to turn to the word of God, and to immerse myself in it to prepare me for times like this. That my faith shall not falter but shall be upheld by the promises of God, and I will not have to resort to the concordance to find my Red Bull.

Ps Sally also raised a point on 'promises'. Having the faith to pick it up again.

Later during ministry time, as I hessitated to walk to the front of the altar to receive prayer (which I so desperately need by the way) as they formed a chain of faith, though I was not surrounded, it was nevertheless a reminder, which I shall make it my own.

I shall not admit defeat, I shall not live life aimless and wandering in the dessert, for who is my Helper?

Elaborate.

This blog has recorded the lowest points in my life.
As such this post is no different from the rest.

Am I resigned to my fate?

No, I trust that I have whatever remaining energy in me to fight on till the very end.

I am torn, disparaged by the circumstances, that sometimes I doubt that I will ever recover.

These days, I struggle to form a coherent sentence to express my wildest dreams.

I am beset by my many problems.

Every hour I wish that the 2010 I live now is merely a nightmare, a foreshadow to my comatosed self of the dangerous swells in seemingly calm seas.

My present self sometimes finds no reason to continue with life. Disengaged and detached from the world, from society I have contemplated thoughts of self harm, of which I have obviously not followed through.

Is there a precipice where one falls from, only to wake to find you've been caught in a bed of green moss?
Your head is heavy with amnesia, a hazy cloud of regret contaminates the memory, you grope your way as you slowly lose sight, where is the way out?

Round xx

I'm precariously close to the edge again.

This morning it struck me that I am who I was 4 years ago, except less happier, and worryingly close to hitting rock bottom.

The past is behind me, and there is nothing I can do to alter the decision I have made before, what I can do for myself is to choose to rise beyond the ashes, and search for victory.

God, give me strength as I face today's problems.

Amen.

And it all came tumbling down.

It feels I've lost EVERYTHING I've ever worked for.

The things that helped build my repute has crumbled.
All this while I thought I had my life together, I had my dreams, my goals,
and I felt as if I was on track to being one of those success stories.

I know I can't allow this to knock me down like this,
BUT GOD WHAT IF SOMETIMES YOU CAN'T FIGHT ON ANYMORE.

Maybe you've got nothing left to fight for.

I've Lost Myself.

Its been so long since I've felt inspired to write.

It seems I've damned myself to nothingness this year.

God, from the depths of my heart I cry out.
Please help.

Increasingly emotional.

I just sent my mom an incredibly worrying text.

But I'm at wits end, I know I got myself into this rut, and I don't have anyone else to blame when I present my results shame faced to my classmates and my advisor.

I've shamed myself, my family, everything I've worked for.

A sad face cannot adequately express how SHIT I feel right now.

I really can't do this anymore even though I want it.

Cold Snap.

I screwed up.
I don't think I can hold it on my own anymore.
God please hear my cries, please come through please :(
Amen.